An open letter by a stalker!

Dated : Yesterday, Today and Forever

Dear stalked,

I am writing this note/letter to declare my intent to be your shadow and to ensure minimum inconvenience, while you are being stalked. The points mentioned hereby would further explain my stand on the matter:

  • That I would be staring you from a distance; from behind the bushes or the newspaper or that half closed window/door and the keyholes.
  • That I would ensure your privacy by staying unnoticed and would hide myself in your wardrobe, fold myself under that book you’ve finished reading long back or just keep being stuck at your underwear drawer.


  • That my activities will include (but never limited to) gazing full-heartedly at your sleeping state and collecting your hair strands and/or used disposable glasses.
  • That I would keep calling and hanging up with no signs or human voices from my end. And send ill-formatted, good morning and evening texts, random romantic quotes and shayaris on text messages too; which may contain slightest hint of sexuality in it.
  • That I would send you never ending unidentified emails (forwards) from anonymous addresses and you may be shocked but I am already added to your Facebook profile using my friends’ profile. You should know that those stupid applications can never unearth the nth thousand of times I visit your profile.
  • That I am going to stalk your significant other as closely too, since I consider them my direct competitors.


Terms and considerations:

  • All physical contacts and brushes will be avoided, unless they are accidental.
  • Your significant other will not be harmed at all, unless yet accidental again.
  • Due to exigencies, national holidays and on weekends some stalking activities will be suspended.
  • My stalking you is NOT limited to your choices. I’d be following you until the end of this lifetime because honey, I dream to keep this alive even after I'm dead.
  • Legal issue that may arise out of my activities are not subject to any jurisdiction, since you know all is fair in love and war, and stalking includes both.

Yours Pain-Stalkingly


19 people read and said:

maithili said...

oh my god!! second point scary as hell!! and the pic with heart on underwear chilling!! terms and conditions nerve wrecking!!1 I soo dont ever want to be the subject of such a stalker!! and facebook stalking is 100% real possibility even with those who wouldn't do the other stalking!!! :P

Gargi Gupta said...

Woooooh! makes me feel as if I'm being stalked :D
quite refreshing & nice :) keep it up

Romeo Das said...

Hahaha. Nice one! :D

"Due to exigencies, national holidays and on weekends some stalking activities will be suspended." :P

"Yours Pain-Stalkingly

The-jobless-loser-who-you-always-ignored!" - LOL! :D

Unknown said...

haha.. nice post! n good luck with the stalking biz :-)

S said...

@Maithili -
Do you get such texts/calls? :p
And those terms were a but compromising too! Facebook stalking is too common, TOO COMMON! ;)

@Fallen Rose - I knew people can relate :p Thanks! :)

@Romeo - Ab tujhe kya bolun! ;)

@Amritha - Ohh! No. I do not stalk, it's out of my friends' experiences :p

Lehari. said...

lolz...all i did after the read is Laugh..

Gawd only knows..which was the corner of your brain that imbibed in you the instincts to frame such a stalker post...hehe..
nice one..

IceMaiden said...

I saw that picture in the preview on my Blogger dashboard and started laughing :P This was LMAOOOOO :D Awesome! :D

themajessty said...

Hahaha, I love this.

I wrote a post about a stalker yesterday too.

I stumbled on your blog, and I LOVE it. Entertaining, witty, and your writing style is like...two thumbs up. :D

theresia said...

funny one:)

Oh and no I am not from new Delhi and I am not an Indian:) Sorry for such a late reply!

Unknown said...

the height of stalking... Happy stalking and Happy being stalked (whichever applies on you) ;)

S said...

@Lehari -
It was not the corner of my brain, some real incidences of my past and one friends' live narration of the incidents that has happened to her, inspired me to conspire this! Glad you liked it! :D

@Ice Maiden -
Glad! :D Share some incident Annie, laughing is not just enough! :p

@Lemons Don't Make Lemonade -
Okay, your name is interesting and thanks for following and liking the post! Will read your stalked experiences too now! :D

@theresia -
Thanks! :)
Okay, with your last comment I thought you are from Delhi. Stay around :)

@Shruti - I was the Stalkee, as I explained to you over Facebook :D

Unknown said...

sourav, yea obviously! :) it was a good read.. cheers

Angel said...

Writer am strolling around and was able to glance blog...find it interesting.!

S said...

@Amritha -
Glad you understood! :D Thanks!

@Angel -
Thanks! Happy to see you here, stay around :)

P i x i e said...

OMFG! that's so freaky! ._.
how do you come up with such ideas? feels like you're an actual stalker. err.. are you?
i used to stalk someone, online-offline..
itz shooo much phun :D

Sakhi. said...

mast :D :D
shows you are a perfect stalker!!

PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

That's the cutest stalker letter I've ever read. :3

Afshan Shaik said...

Awesome !! The FB stalking has become so common these days...even if u put up privacy settings....some how they pull out one or the other details..and keep informing u that they saw that detail this detail...which is irritating!!! Stalkers will never get the real guts to come infront of u or have some sensible conversation coz all they can do is stalk but not TALK!! and awesome post as always sourav :)

Nadia said...

I would marry my stalker if he ever wrote such a cute letter.

Great job...:)